About things that changed...

I said, I feel dried out, and that is still true.
Nonetheless, there is still something left to say:
From the beginning on, the age when i started to be aware of my sexuality, it had that deviant turn. My fantasies always revolved around asphyxiation, especially hanging.
But originally it was me to do the hanging or at least i imagined female victimes. In my fantasies i strung up all of those special girls, i just cannot tell what made them accurate in my point of view. But it were definitely some strange kind of girls...
It's only later on, around the age of fifteen things changed. And I remember quite well what was the cause: One of my highschool-teachers. She was somehow cold and strict. And she also dressed that way. So i started to fantasize about being her slave. Kneeling in front of her, licking her shoes, licking her between her legs, being beaten up by her, and so forth...
And finally being strung up by her...
So what was the difference between her and all the other girls? It was that she was untouchable! I would never get her, not only because i was toob timid, but because it just wasn't possible! And the distance between her and me was uncountable times larger, than to all the girls. And that made my desire for her just the more unjust and crying out for punishment, so a capital one seemed just to be what was necessary for me.
Further on I spread this kind of fantasy to many other woman around me, who were distinctly older than me. And that is my desire until now!
Nevertheless I also kept to be the violator in my dreams. But that part diminished with the time passing by. I only cant remember at what age this actually faded out.
I can enjoy the image of a woman hanging today. But this just isn't my thing anymore...

Long time no see...

I have dried out somehow...
I stroll around all the asphyx related places online... but without real excitemnet... even the collecting offers no fun anymore.
Why is this so?
Because I am grown up now, settling down mentally somehow ? Is this the answer?
I know for my self, this is bullshit.
So is it because of the drug missing?
It definitely plays its role.
But it's not the source... the source lies within myself.
I would like to write down some scenarios again. But when i do i feel like everthing has been said already. I want to plunge into the depths of self inflicted asphyxiational arousal, but then i finally just dont.
Earlier this year a similar statement I posted turned out to be the kickoff for new activity. What will it be like this time?

I built up a virtual identity...

You can find me on Youtube, you can read from me on Assoziationsblaster, and of course here: Dolcettish.
Digging deep down in the dark side of my personality, I bring up what has been lying there hidden. I do this too in a mere virtual manner.
There's nobody out there I know physically, or who I met from face to face.
But who I am must definitely stay hidden.
It is a virtual community I am navigating through.
And it isnt.

But may I do the decisive step one day?