All happened near Villefranche de Conflet. It was late summer and really hot. I was twenty-one back then. And I was travelling alone.
And so I was wandering up the Pyrenées feet through all this sort of mediterranian vegetation, dried out, perfume of oily leaves in my nose.
I saw or heard absolutely nobody around and therefore considered myself to be totally alone up there.
I came to a tree.
It was small and crooked. Gnarled like a dried up wiper!
I sat down beneath it, covering in its shadow, contemplating.
Fixed to one main branch stretched out horicontally above my head.
And i made a decision.
First I got undressed.
I looked for a bold stone, but one i could still move. I dragged it under the tree.
I sat down again, eagerly starting to fabricate a nice slender noose out of belt an shoe-laces.
I took my time, as if i would need no more of it, i was totally in the present, i merged to the one act i was preparing for.
I stepped on the stone.
A rather unstable position!
I slung the belt around my bare neck, pulled it tight.
I went on my toes, balancing, fixing the loose end on the branch.
Strung myself up good!
I only had to step off of the stone to dangle helplessly.
I needed one hand to keep up, to not lower myself into the noose.
Somehow i had become ready. I felt the need for me ending from the noose. I felt the final purity of things to happen. A sensation of righteousness!
Then I began to wank myself off with the help of the hand left free.
I could have ended things back then, as i should have. I could have died in purity!
But I didnt.
After having ejaculated, i calmed down again, tied myself loose.
I untied the ligature. Put my cloths back on, sat there, contemplating.
Only some ten, perhaps fifteen minutes later, a group of hikers passed by my place. We greeted each other, the shiver gurgling down my spine. They could have been the ones to find me lifelessly swinging from the branch, or even witness the last shivering of my strangled to death body.
But this is not the point!
The point is, that this has been one of this strange moments in my past, when i chose life. Even if it was more by accident.
That's why I'm now still sitting in front of the screen typing.
It would have been no mistake to hang myself.
It would have been right!
Neither is it wrong for me to still live.
It's just different!
I think this was the last time, i succeeded in convincing myself to really hang to death. I believed me. That it would be possible to go straight down the path, right into the end.
Living on is sheer compromise. I lost my purity.
I have grown older now. Being no more than only one of these millions of anonymous deviants stalking online, seeking the kick, seeking the game, the illusion!
Just fed up westerners problems....